a pun

A pun (pronounced /pan/) is a play on words. Here are some good examples which circulated on the net some time ago.This is humour on world leaders.Conversation between George W. Bush and his Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice; read it for a laugh:George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.George: Great. Lay it on me.Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.George: That's what I want to know.Condi: That's what I'm telling you.George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?Condi: Yes.George: I mean the fellow's name.Condi: Hu.George: The guy in China.Condi: Hu.George: The new leader of China.Condi: Hu.George: The Chinaman!Condi: Hu is leading China.George: Now whaddya' asking me for?Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?Condi: That's the man's name.George: That's who's name?Condi: Yes.George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?Condi: Yes, sir.George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.Condi: That's correct.George: Then who is in China?Condi: Yes, sir.George: Yassir is in China?Condi: No, sir.George: Then who is?Condi: Yes, sir.George: Yassir?Condi: No, sir.George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China! Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone!Condi: Kofi?George: No, thanks.Condi: You want Kofi?George: No!Condi: You don't want Kofi.George: No! But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.Condi: Yes, sir.George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.Condi: Kofi?George: Milk! Will you please make the call?Condi: And call who?George: Who is the guy at the U.N?Condi: Hu is the guy in China.George: Will you stay out of China?!Condi: Yes, sir!George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.Condi: Kofi.George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.(Condi picks up the phone.)Condi: Rice, here.George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

why we love little kids

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “Dead,” she was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later. . . . “Daaad. . . .” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Daaaaad. . . . “ “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you . . . NO!” “If you ask me again, I’ll have to spank you!” Five minutes later. . . . . “Daaaaaaaad. . . . “ “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”4. One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I cant dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy!”5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it you Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.”6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old child came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine . . . .” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “. . . . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that the farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”

hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that, since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven... thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

up

UP :)
English is a difficult language!Lovers of the English language enjoy this. It is an example of why people learning English have trouble. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look up the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP.Oh...one more thing:What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?U PDon't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book... Now I'll shut upYou can find more funny texts like this on the website Laugh 'n Learn